Triune Systems2


The problem of projection

posted by Triune Systems    |   October 11, 2017 16:21

Our partners are those who are the closest to us and see us the most regularly in our day-to-day lives.  You would think that people would treat their life partners with the utmost respect, kindness, and love…and prioritize them above everything else.  But, this type of relationship is more the exception than the rule.  

Rather, we tend to project our insecurities all over our partners.  Projection means to externalize the stuff going on within ourselves and to throw it onto our partner as if it belonged to our partner and not us.  We blame our partner for our bad feeling, or our feeling of boredom with life, or the problems we’re experiencing.  We often rationalize this to ourselves and believe our projections as if they are true. 

It’s only after people end their relationship and enter another relationship with a new partner that they see the problem follows them around.  That’s because the problem is actually something that is unresolved within them and didn’t have a lot to do with their partner at all. 

Of course, when you project your unresolved stuff onto your partner…which is primarily very negative in content, it causes them to react with their own negativity.  No one likes to be negatively focused on or be told they are the problem.  Most people don’t take projection well. 


The more you can own your unresolved stuff and make consistent efforts to deal with it, the less you will project onto your partner.  It’s when we take responsibility for our own feelings, reactions, and unresolved stuff, that the door opens for true connection and intimacy in our relationships.


Addressing the "weeds" in your relationship

posted by Triune Systems    |   October 11, 2017 16:16


The issues that couples argue about are like weeds in a garden (the garden called your marriage).  If you don’t address the weeds, eventually they tend to get bigger or more difficult to manage.  Sometimes the weeds take over the garden and completely destroy it. 

Addressing the weeds before they have a chance to get too big is an important part of any relationship.  Addressing the weeds doesn’t mean making your partner think the way you do or see that you are right.  Often, it simply means communicating to your partner your perspective on the issue and communicating how you would like to approach it.  Then…listening calmly to your partner’s perspective on the issue, which will likely be different from your own. 

Two people, any two people, in a committed long-term relationship will see things differently and want different things at times.  Part of growing ourselves up is to get clear on what we ourselves think about an issue, what we want in a particular situation, and then being open and honest with our partner.  And, allowing our partner to do the same…to think through a situation in their own way, come to their own conclusions, and share those with us. 

Communication isn’t about trying to win an argument, be “right,” or control your partner.  It’s about thinking through an issue and then openly and honestly letting your partner know what you are thinking.  And, risking hearing that your partner might have different thoughts or wants on the subject. 

Open and honest communication involves the risk that you may see that your partner is different from you and possibly wants some different things.  But, that is the reality of any long-term relationship. 


It’s usually better to address the weeds, even if you and your partner never agree about that specific topic.  Addressing the weeds by simply being clear with each other about how you are thinking and what you are wanting is sometimes all it takes to prevent the weeds from taking over the garden. 


Relationship Skills

3 ways the Number 3 can make your life better

posted by Triune Systems    |   April 22, 2014 17:40

We named our business “Triune Systems” because the number 3 is so significant for health and well-being.  

The human brain is composed of three separate and distinct parts.  

  • The frontal and pre-frontal lobes are the "thinking brain", the part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought, critical thinking, and regulating emotions.  
  • The "emotional brain" is called the limbic system and is responsible for feeling emotions and connecting to others.  
  • The "instinctual brain" at the back of the head is responsible primarily for survival.  This brain will send chemical changes throughout your body to advise it of potential threats.  It reacts with fight, flight, and freeze.    

These three brains work together to create a complementary system that guides human thought and interaction.  We help our clients learn how to differentiate between the different brains and their responsibilities.  

We help our clients to learn how to use the conscious choice and freedom of their thinking brains to overrule the more automatic and less conscious reactions of the emotional and instinctual brains.  

Human relationships tend to operate in 3’s.  We call the interactions between people “triangles.” Triangles occur when two people draw in a third to reduce their anxiety.  A third person or issue in a relationship tends to stabilize it.  Triangles can be formed with people or issues, such as religious belief or addiction or common interests such as hockey.  To understand people and help them create positive change, it is helpful to observe the main triangles they are involved in and help them shift the triangles towards health.  

The last way that the number three is significant is through spiritual belief.  The Christian tradition teaches a God who presents Himself as three persons but one God.  The word “triune” means three (tri) in one “une.”  Just as our brains are three parts that compose one brain and our relationships tend to have three parts that compose one system, we have a spiritual system that teaches the three in one concept as well.  

Remember, when looking at human function, interaction, and spiritual belief, the number 3 can act as a guidance system to help you understand and navigate yourself towards higher functioning and wellness.  The name “triune” is a catch-all for the human condition.  

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